School Tomorrow

After a well-loved 4 day weekend, I'm back in school once again, and the feeling of dread that fills me at this point is scary and weird. I feel like I'm breaking out in a rash, becoming slightly nauseated, and all sad and mopey all at the same time. It makes for a restless, attention-wanting/leave alone feeling that can only be described as a cat in heat, rubby, restless, and easily startled. Only make that an apathetic cat. That would be me. This sounds eeriely like my old friend depression, which wouldn't be a big deal, except that I'm only in January with roughly five months to go, and I'm still juggling Algebra and US History, and English, with its huge paper. It's horrible, and I can't help but to think that I could handle all these heavy loads with grace and maybe even ease if I could beat this horrible mood swings that switch between heavy smothering, wet wool on the face pressing me down into the mattress depression, and the equally inconvient shakey, erratic, dartings like a crazed sword fish fighting its own reflection. I really really need help or for it all to go away. It only happens at school, when I'm working I'm fine, when I"m at home I'm fine. But school, it feels unnessacery and dragging, with nothing to make it worth while, no nice people, no fun classes or subjects, no afterschool activities because I work, it's just a waste of 7 hours a day.

These last four days were heaven. I exercised, I ate well, I CRAVED food, not my mindless grazing or forced vitamin consumption. I felt Hungry, I felt alive. I cleaned my room, I brushed my teeth and showered everyday, I washed the dishes, I started a novel in my new laptop, I burnt CDs I've been meaning to. I talked to friends, I brushed my hair, I wasn't pyscho to unsuspecting people. But as these last four days wind down, I'm settling into my erratic, energy bursts of speed, shaking. I don;'t know what to do with myself, even exercise doesn't do what it use to. Maybe it's time for some harder ones?